What are the most important rules to life?

For men

1. Masturbate every time you make a women related decision. We men are mostly incapable of taking the right decisions about women whereas they seem to have some innate ability. So, to help with that, clear your mind. Trust me, true love is for men who are over the fact that they can sleep around because god chose to make only 2 or 1 % males attractive to the opposite sex and they belong in that. The rest are just adding to the society and creating more of the average. So, if you know ‘whether you are going to have sex tonight’, then you will search for true love because you can have the hormonal need satisfied whenever you want. Else, please shag before you take any important decision
2. Lend some money to the guy whom you want to avoid. Once the money is given, he will automatically vanish.
3. Eat like the Master chef judges eat. Eat only for the flavor. A few bites and that is it. Let it sink. Never eat that fast that just in the flow, you finish the whole thing. Eating slow ,you will get the taste. Your stomach will get time to digest and you will not end up with volumes here and there.
4. Life actually starts at 40. By then, finish up your duties as much as possible. Get the kids ready for independence. Work hard for the money. Make a career where you can excel. And please please please keep your hair and health for the years after 40..
5. Never read each and every line of every book. Just do the summaries. Other than Chaucer, Shakespeare, Hemingway, Rabindranath there is not a lot of pearls in every line of a book or chapter. Sometimes the authors just continue with what he feels like to fill up. Same for movies, if they are good, watch them multiple times. A movie is always a good summary. A good director always keeps multiple things hidden in his movies. Watch it once for the plot, second time for the acting, third time for the location, set, dresses and keep continuing till you give your senses a completeness.
6. Learn to cook. There is simply no-one other than your own mother who will selflessly cook for you. So learn it for yourself.
7. The only 5 things you should look for while buying a house is ‘location, location , location, location and wait for it …… .location’ . A house within a mile of your office will give you extra 20 years to your life.
8. Dont over do weight training. Buff is sometimes ugly. Always do free hand. That will give you fitness to carry on a wholesome life. Whether it is sex, office meetings, enjoying holidays and managing kids. Weight training gives you unmanageable muscles and the commitment is long term. Free hand will give you structure that will last.
9. Drink, but only to give company. Dont drink like you have some championship that you want to win. There is actually nothing good that came out of any drink ever. It is for the common folks.( mere mortals ) . Always try to be more than that.
10. Have a religious or spiritual side but be scientific in methodology. Choose everything scientifically. Always believe in law of averages.
11. Keep quiet in front of the ladies. They like a cuckatoo if that cuckatoo looks like Tom Cruise. Else zip it.
12. To understand the politics of a region, always listen to the stand up comics. They are the ones who give the right picture because nothing drives truth more than sarcasm.
13. When the coin is in the air, that is the time that you will know what you really want.